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I knew that cheats always looked for some sort of justification orrationalization for their actions more than anything else.? And I knew that they usually found a way outin their own mind so that they could justify not feeling any guilt.? But I couldn?t do that anymore.? I was in trouble---everything was my faultand I knew that I would have to live with it.?How could I have been so stupid again??Even though I was a sensual person and at one time had loved having sexwith men, I had never been. " Pamela smiled, and as she looked up, she noticed Ben smile too."So when did you... you know, have the operation?" Ben took a sip of histea."I had my final operation just over five years ago, and I lived as awoman for almost two years before that. It was a difficult time, I hadplenty of hurdles to get over, people telling me I was crazy for wantingto do it, people deciding they just didn't want to speak to me anymore, ahell of a lot of counselling; but I made it, and here I am! Some days. He had increased the amount of room she had to move around, so she could freely move between the bucket-toilet and her pallet. He’d reduced the number of restraints until just an arm or leg was cuffed. Those first days when he'd removed them, she’d stared at the cuffs lying on the floor with a blank expression; he’d been enormously pleased to find she had slipped them back on her own body sometime during the night to be able to sleep.She was given small tasks and concessions when he was with. The tiny white hat perched on her now shoulder length hair and her white silk gloves added to the illusion of royalty. But Samantha was also scared out of her wits."Davy," she confided in me, "I don't deserve any of this. Why can't we just have Brother Moore marry us and we go away by ourselves? I don't know hardly any of these people and the governor of the whole state is acting as the best man and your pa is giving me away. Oh Davy, what do I do?" She was almost in tears."Samantha, it will be.
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